Think Pink

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Some days I feel very small, like a clod of dirt to be knocked off a shoe or an amoeba.

Some days I feel the only way to get it right is to never open my mouth.

Some days I look in the mirror and forget who I was looking for; or wish I hadn't found myself there.

Some days one person's gratitude is enough to keep me upright.

Some days the fishbowl is too constricting.

Some days anonimity is desirable.

Some days invisible is to visible.

Some days I know God doesn't make mistakes, but I also know He did.

Some days....like today.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! (A Preview)

The theme for the year 2008:

CONSIDER THE LILIES!

Friends just left and the kiddos are brushing their teeth. Soon we'll be tucked into our beds for the first sleep of the year.

Here's to a peaceful beginning, middle and end.

Good night.

I tell you not to worry about your life. Don't worry about having something to eat, drink, or wear. Isn't life more than food or clothing?

Look at the birds in the sky! They don't plant or harvest. They don't even store grain in barns. Yet your Father in heaven takes care of them. Aren't you worth more than birds?

Can worry make you live longer? Why worry about clothes? Look how the wild flowers grow. They don't work hard to make their clothes. But I tell you that Solomon with all his wealth wasn't as well clothed as one of them.

God gives such beauty to everything that grows in the fields, even though it is here today and thrown into a fire tomorrow. He will surely do even more for you! Why do you have such little faith?

A year in Review

What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?

I had to think a long time about this one.  There isn’t much and that is kind of sad, but then it was kind of a sad year.  I did join and co-op, which, if you know me, is really a big deal.  I really started branching out in my reading.  I DID NOT have any surgery or receive any severe injuries.

Did you keep your new years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?

Some I did.  Some I didn’t.  I always have aspirations for the new year.

Did anyone close to you give birth? 

MANY people close to me gave birth.  I want a baby.

Did anyone close to you die?

yes

What countries did you visit?

Nashville

(seriously at the Shoney’s where we ate one of the cook’s names was COOTER. If that isn’t a sign of a foreign country I just don’t know what is)

What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

Joy and simplicity

What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

June 7, 2007

at

6:12 am

What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Surviving it

What was your biggest failure?

Not remembering Who is in control

Did you suffer illness or injury?

NO! PRAISE JESUS!

What was the best thing you bought?

SEA WORLD SEASON PASSES, BABY!!!!!!!

Where did most of your money go?

Just making ends meet

What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Getting away; escaping; any little break from reality

What song will always remind you of 2007?

Held

Compared to this time last year, are you:
a.  happier or sadder?   

sadder

b. thinner or fatter?

fatter

c.  richer or poorer?   

richer

What do you wish you'd done more of? 

laughing and sleeping

What do you wish you'd done less of?

housework

How did you spend Christmas?

At my mom’s

Did you fall in love in 2007?

always

What was your favourite TV program?

Lost; The Office; Scrubs

What was the best book you read? 

The Book Thief

What was your greatest musical discovery of 2007?

Rosie Thomas; Ingrid Michealson; Colin Hay

What did you want and get?

Healing for myself 

What did you want and not get? 

Healing for my friends

What was your favourite film of this year? 

Dan in Real Life

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

34, got spoiled rotten by the hunky Hubby and kids 


What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?   

Still having Natalie in it

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Is it clean? Do I still fit into it?

What kept you sane?

Craig 

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

None of them –they are all total friggin’ morons

What political issue stirred you the most?

Publically political – the war and immigration

Internally political – Capital punishment

Who do you miss? 

Dave

Madonna

Natalie

Mylette

Noah

Kathy

Hilary

Nik

My Grandpa Craig

Granny

Dad

Who was the best new person you met?

So many—I am so blessed by friendship.  My true blessing this year was not in meeting new people, but in deepening relationships with some special people that live right here in my home town.  I missed in-person friendships more than I knew.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007: 

“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality.  He knew it already.  It was I who didn’t.”

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

All I can do is keep breathing

Old Year Ablutions

Leanne over at The Good Neighbors issued a challenge.  Along with listing all the things we hope to make happen in the new year, make a list of things we truly want to be rid of in 2008.  Many times, the difference between change and status quo is not recognizing the things that impede us from making forward progress.  I want to rid myself of these things.  To wash them away, as it were.  Thus, my old year ablutions.

• Negativity - I spend so much time focusing on the hard, the bad, the wrong and the just-plain-stupid that I allow it to distract me from all that is wonderful and blessed about my life.
• Speak without thinking - a habit that often leads to negativity.  Just because it pops into my head doesn't mean I MUST say it--even if it's a valid thought. 
• Take relationships for granted - anything worth having is worth investing time and effort in.  I have let too many friendships go by the wayside because they weren't "convenient" for me.  I want the people I love to know I love them, without a doubt.
• Wasting Time - the fact is that there are a million things I want to try, learn and do.  Housework isn't one of them, but it doesn't change the fact that there are responsibilities that I must face.  I need to get them over with quickly and well so that I can focus on the fun stuff.
• Gain any more weight- 'nuff said
• Let an opportunity to help or to reach out pass by due to busyness.  I fully believe that not every opportunity is for me to take hold of, but I also know that I focus too much on what really doesn't matter and let opportunities that DO matter and that ARE mine to take hold of go by.
• Get irritated over what I cannot change - I can't change many things.  What a waste of time and energy when I stew and steam and fuss and rant about it.  In fact the number of things I can control I can list on three fingers: myself actions, my emotions, my response. Nothing. Else. Matters.
• Spend frivolously.
• Hoard things I do not need, love or even want.
• Make excuses for being who I am. 

The Hardest Year

I said goodbye to another friend today.  I suppose the argument could be made that saying goodbye to a seventy-year-old friend is more palatable than saying goodbye to a thirty-year-old friend. Except it isn't.  Friendship isn't aware of age or how much life was enjoyed, it only knows that someone is missing.  It would take long and long, and would only diminish with words the special friend that Dave was to me.

To finish the year saying goodbye to my friend is apropos of what it seems has filled my year.  In fact December has seemed a microcosm of all that has happened.  I'll give you a picture:

Two wonderful birthdays and an anniversary, a free vacation in a condo and Christmas juxtaposed with Natalie's birthday, my father's birthday and the anniversary of his death, the anniversary of my friend Mylette's death, the diagnosis and very fast demise of Dave.

See what I mean?  There is good, so much good, and the good is absolutely undeniable, and yet the bad keeps sneaking and crushing my spirit.  I have spent my time this year struggling to balance Truth with the reality of this world.  I have cried, begged and thrown things and simply lain still, too broken to fight anymore.  I am drawing to the close of what I look back on as my hardest year.

I don't throw around terms like that lightly.  I have had some years of note before.  There was the cancer year.  The year I had two children - not at the same time. That year was also, incidentally, the year my father died.  Years past have seen major career changes, financial hardship and yet this year did something down in the core of me that given the choice, I would have lived the entirety of my life, happily, having not experienced.

Ironically, my theme at the outset of this year was "Ready Now" based on a song with lyrics that say "I'm ready now...do what you will." I thought I was ready.  Little did I know what shape readiness takes, what it requires.  What sort of surrender is involved. But the year progressed and God has stretched me, refined me, deepened me in ways that have left permanent scars on my heart.

I thank the hunky hubby for bringing to my attention a quote by CS Lewis that seems to have answered some of my eternal questioning:

“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality.  He knew it already.  It was I who didn’t.”

And perhaps this is so.  I certainly have learned many things of myself, both admirable and ugly, that I would not have imagined in any other year.  December has been a month of deep introspection, of sudden and copious tears, of humor, of heartache and of healing.  As it draws to a close I find myself quietly hopeful about the new year that unfolds in front of.  One for which God has already revealed a brand new theme.

The end of the service today ended with the speculation  of what would Dave say to us, were he given the opportunity to say one thing more.  I am blessed to have the time to say what I may never get the chance to again now.

To my friends: You have brought more to my life then your leaving, whether late or soon, could ever take away.  You have enriched me, lent the color, the depth, the laughter and unexpected gifts that complement my daily life in ways that I never realize are missing, until they are not there.  Thank you for being the color and the music.

To my children: You are my everyday miracle. My magnum opus.  Thank you for every grey hair, every stretch mark, every kiss, every cuddle, every belly laugh, every spill, every piece of endless dirty laundry. You are mine for all my days, long or short, the fulfillment of my hours, weeks months and years.  You are so much more than I ever imagined or hoped for.  Never will I ever regret one second of life spent loving you.  Don't ever doubt that I would die a thousand times to give you life and do it with a smile on my face.

To my husband: You are the other half of me.  Everything I am, I couldn't be without you by my side.  You are my waking thought and my dying breath.  You are my heart.  I love you. 

To Dave and Natalie: I'll see you later, my friends.

I see the LIGHT!

Despite the fact that I feel grinchy for contemplating NOT putting up a tree this year (it's true), I still intend to inundate my house with glorious Christmas lights sometime in the next 48 hours.  I have already taken the Florida tradition that some Christmas lights are necessary the whole year, as my backporch is lit with strings of blue and white all year round. The girls are excited because as soon as houses begin to be decorated, we drive somewhere almost nightly to enjoy the outrageous displays.  Seriously, I think it's the fact that we can still wear shorts most days that leads Floridians to go way beyond the bounds of taste when they begin to put up the lights, and don't even get me started on inflatibles.  Still, it's great fun to sit in the car with the Christmas music blaring and see who can spot the next house first.

Thanksgiving went off literally without a hitch, unless eating earlier than planned counts as a hitch.  Everything cooked beautifully.  I brined a turkey for the first time and the tiny little sliver of carnivorous material that I sampled seemed quite yummy. Of course, I took no pictures.  By 5pm the house was empty of all the guests (and one of our own lovelies), the kitchen was clean, the leftovers were stored, and the two remaining girls settled down to a movie whilst the hunky hubby and I ensconced ourselves on the backporch (christmas lights on) with books, blankets and hot tea.  This picture also covers most of yesterday as well since there was no cooking, no shopping and very little movement from whatever comfortable perch we found for ourselves.  All in all it was an excellent start to what may be our busiest holiday season yet.

This weekend ends my worship team hiatus. I ended up taking a total of five weeks off the weekend rotation, but I think that may be blog for another day, as are so many things in my head.

Time Enough

Yesterday when I was blogging in my head, I was planning to share the calendar of the next six weeks of my life. Every year I purpose that it will be different.  Every year I say, "This holiday will be slower, calmer, more deliberate, more focused, less hurried, less stressed." I say it every. single. year.  Then mid-November comes along, and the events begin piling up, and everyone wants to plan, practice, perform, party, and parade.  Despairingly I write event after event after event on my planner  and watch all my beautiful frosted dreams melt in the reality of time gone.

It happened again this year.

I can honestly say that between now and Christmas Day, we are going out of town no less than four times. We have two birthdays, one anniversary, four Christmas parties (two on the same night at the same time), four major church events, and I am simply praising God that I will not be in town to lead worship for the eight Christmas Eve services (that's just wrong!)!!! I also am supposed to be educating the little women in my spare time.  You'll notice that in these plans I have yet to mention pack, buy presents, cook Thanksgiving dinner, lead worship in at least fifteen services and facilitate Disciple class. It's enough to make my head shoot off complete with streamers and fireworks if I try to look at the whole chunk of time.

All of these things and more are what I was composing in my head.  Then my very wise, very hunky hubby read this:

For everything there is a season, and a time for very purpose under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up

In this midst of what seems chaos and confusion, there is time. Time to laugh, and time to cry. Time to make messes and time to clean them up. Time for school and time for the park.  Time for work and time for snuggling.  Time for joy. Time enough.

It's a promise.

Dana in Real Life

I want to thank all of you who are still reading (all four) for bearing with me through all the angst, torment, wallowing and woe.  Somewhere at the heart of that was some serious working through many, many things.  Questioning your purpose in life is never easy.  I still wish I had more answers, but unfortunately what I am learning now is resting in the fact that God isn't done with me or my purpose yet.  There is more to unfold, and likely a very different more than I ever imagined (you know because this life is so exactly what I had planned), but until my purpose in this place is finished, I can stop ranting and raving and shaking my fist and pounding the walls because that will not shorten it by one moment, and may considerably lengthen it.  *Sigh*

In my real life I am not all doom and gloom, though I haven't particularly been a barrel of laughs to hang out with. 

Sometimes I laugh; sometimes I belly laugh and lean down and hold my knees, and continue to snort out little giggles for moments afterwards.

Sometimes I feel tears right behind my eyes.

Sometimes I consider the fact that it's been almost six months since I talked to my Nattie and my heart breaks all over again.

Sometimes I sit on the back porch and dream.

Sometimes I sit in my chair by the river while my children scream like hoydens and climb the jungle gym.  I read my book or close my eyes and feel the sun on my face.

Sometimes I scrub the grout.

Sometimes I raise my hands in worship; sometimes when no one else is around.

Sometimes I teach fractions and multiplication and division and creative writing, and hand writing and science and geography and history and etiquette and logic and scripture and cooking and home economics and basic home repair and forgiveness and honesty.

Sometimes I want to take a nap.

Sometimes I burrow under my flannel sheets and watch Tv with the Hunky Hubby. Sometimes I fall asleep when I am supposed to be watching.

Sometimes I worry when I fill up my gas tank.

Sometimes I look at my calendar and wonder if any of it is even worth it. Sometimes I blow my calendar off. 

Sometimes I dream of moving to a ranch in Montana.

Sometimes I shake my fist at my scale.

Sometimes I listen to hunky hubby talk about his job and my soul bleeds.

Sometimes I want to shake people.  Sometimes I just hold them tight.

Sometimes I wonder if we aren't all sleeping, or maybe we're all just blind.

Sometimes I cook; sometimes it's cake.

Sometimes I cultivate friendships and work to live in community.

Sometimes I let the introvert win and ignore the phone, and whoever's knocking on the door.

Sometimes I mow the grass; sometimes I lay in it and hear it grow.

Sometimes people tell me I should write a book; sometimes five people tell me; sometimes I tell God I'm listening.

Most days look like any other day, in any other place, in any other town (except we have an ocean), but they are my days, in my life.  I don't want them to be ordinary. I want extraordinary.  I think we're nearly there.

Where to Begin

Most days I sit here and stare. I want to blog, but I don't know where to start.  The parade of my days since June have seemed an endless display of angst, hurt, anger and despair, with the occasional blip of a high point. My new normal is a long time coming and though it seems that things might be easier if I just accepted this as normal, I simply refuse to do that.  We can't continue under the load we currently carry; it is crushing us.  There is a song that the hunky hubby sent to me:

The storm is coming but i don't mind.
People are dying, i close my blinds.

All that i know is i'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead i sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that i know is i'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

And so it is.  Every morning, every day, every night when I climb into bed and lay pressed against his back and wonder how much longer we can do this thing and still survive intact.

I am told that there is joy in surrender and peace, but what I feel is simply numb. I know Truth, but I don't feel it.

All I can do is keep breathing.